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This blog has been evolved several times since its inception. It started as a platform for a writer's musings Then it became a witne...

Monday, November 12, 2007

It's Here: I'm Here.

I've been reading T.D. Jakes' "Repositioning Yourself" - I just started.

In reading it so far, I've been faced with two areas of thought.

On the one hand, I'm really proud of myself for what I've accomplished and how much I've done.

On the other hand, I am both saddened and energized at the thought of finally overcoming my barriers of fear! If I had been living so boldly at my first revelation of fear - truly bold and not hesitantly bold - how much more would I have accomplished? How much more can I accomplish and when can I once and for all eradicate the fear that is left??

My angst and anxiousness over this fear is like finding a cancerous lump just below the surface of my skin: I can feel it. I know it must come out. I want it out so badly I would cut it out myself if it weren't for the fear of pain or damage to myself.

Which is more palpable? The fear of the cancer of fear? The pain and damage of removing it myself? Or the fear that I will not find someone to do it for me in time - has it already spread; latching on to far too many areas of my life to actually remove it all?

I ask these questions because on the heels of excitement I feel the fear lingering; hovering; like a vulture; waiting for the failure so it can pounce, attack and feed on my moment of weakness.

Here I am.

I am living the life of my plans!!

(1) The settlement and the inheritance are finally about to come to a close. I will be able to pay my bills, pay the house, pay off the last of my debt and save for mine and my families futures.

(2) I am working that flexible, fun, daily "job" and once I begin to meet my monthly minimum, I will be able to cover our basic needs and the current bills, groceries, gas and so forth.

(3) I have received leads and a gig for my company. It is slowly growing and will help provide more for our daily needs as well as assist in the growth of the parent organization.

(4) I am boldly building the organization. Stepping out on faith and pushing it towards the goals that exist for it. I am pushing myself towards the goals I have placed on myself in order to bring this organization truly to a viable, fruit-bearing, fruition.

(5) And by pushing myself to do this I have completed some writing and will complete more and have actually finished the calendar fundraiser - my first published literary work of art.

It is Here.

And it is available now for sale: The 2008 Destination Inspiration "What If" Wall Calendar

So, if it is here, and I am here - both of us exactly where I'd like us to be. And more prayerfully, exactly where the Lord intends for us to be. Which means He has been answering my prayers for Proverbs 16:9 "Man devises his plan, but the Lord directs his steps." Yea, me!

And that is why the fear is hovering like a vulture. "For God has not given the spirit of fear; but of POWER, and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND."

It is the enemy that manufactures my fear and on the tail of my POWER through Christ, he launches a valiant and re-energized attempt to make me think the Lord doesn't love me enough to continue to answer, to bless, to guide me through to the end I foresee and therefore disrupting my peace of mind and effectively undermining and undercutting my power.

Shame, shame. Shame on me. Shame on fear. I must cut you out with a dull butter knife and praise the Lord almighty for the pain and the damage - knowing that it is through His strength that I will prevail!

I am prevailing!

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This is a stationary post.

Destiny's Journey

Some journeys are well traveled roads. Common, familiar and easy. We cruise along the path oblivious to the process as we habitually turn each corner, climb each hill and break each slope. Only to arrive, blink and wonder how we managed without incident or memory of the trip.

This journey - my journey - is not like that. This journey is one of reluctance, hesitance, unsurity, insecurity and yes, a moderate amount of fear.

As I open the window for you to view my progress, you will undoubtedly come to your own conclusion based upon the progress of your own journey - and your observations will be varied.

Some might say that I am making slow but steady progress toward a clear destination. Others may say that I am floundering and wandering aimlessly down a muddy road with too many directions to choose from.

I say my journey has just begun, although it started more than 10 years ago. I say I still have such a long, long way to go, although I am teetering on the precipice of completion. I say the journey has made me weary, leery and weak, although I trudge on with a strength and endurance that is beyond me. I say the path is muddy, with many obstacles, directions and difficulties still yet to come. However, my destination is clear - crazy, unimaginable, overwhelming and clear.

When this path first appeared it was like a hazy, dirt road on a foggy day. I peered at it without knowing what it was or where it was going - then tried to ignore it as inconsequential. When the path persisted I joked as to where it might lead, then still tried to dismiss it as a path not meant for me.

It was years before the view of the path cleared and I was able to see the destination more clearly. It was absurd to think that the reality of where this path could end up would be in a place far more outlandish than even my most absurd imaginings! OK, maybe - just maybe this path ended up in a very good place - but a place still not meant for me. Definitely not me.

Why not me? Who else but me, since I was the only one to see? Please, Dear God, not me! Yes, me. This path was meant for me.

And so I watched it, argued with it, denied it and tried to imagine a life without pursuing it.

Four - no five, has it already been five? Five years ago I accepted it. I stuck out a big toe like testing the cold water of a pool - then yanked my foot back like I so often would. I wrote about it, dreamed about it, and tried it on for size in the privacy of my dressing room of life. And by the way, I still watched it, argued with it, denied it and tried to imagine a life without pursuing it.

Three - sorry, I forgot - Four years ago I made up my mind. I packed my bags, said good bye to the sanity and sanctuary of friends and family who always had thought they understood me, and I took my first hesitant and frightened step.

In these last four years I have walked, sometimes trotted, but never quite run toward a goal I think is crazy. I have stopped, I have even sat down and I have wistfully looked back to a time when I did not know and could not see what was meant for me.

But I will not stop. I packed my bags (all my baggage), and made up my mind. Armed with nothing but 2 scriptures and a great deal of hope, I continue to trudge on driven by the surity that if - just if - I happen to arrive at this awesome, fearsome destination, it will be extraordinary, phenomenal and inconceivably wonderful. This destination...

A destination, a journey to a place that is called destiny. My destiny. Destiny's purpose in life. My God given purpose.

Sometimes while we travel, we see another driver, glance in that direction and never take note or give them another thought. Perhaps that is how you will see me.

Sometimes we see another traveler and something catches our eye. We may watch a moment, muse a moment or even briefly wonder... Then they continue on their own separate way and thoughts of them fade as quickly as they do. Perhaps that will be how you see me.

Other times we get caught in traffic, bunched up with drivers because of fate. And whether we cruise along peacefully or struggle with road rage, we share a community of progress, each with our own destination. Perhaps that will be how you experience me.

And on rare occasion on our own individual roads of life, we travel a path where we encounter another driver - seemingly traveling to the same basic place. At times they follow us and then we follow them. We may take note of who they are and what they drive - possibly even read a licence plate. We'll share a moment or even a long while - silently and separately together, with maybe a glance, a smile or a brief a wave of acknowledgement. Perhaps that will be how you experience me.

I cannot say how long this path will be for me, so whether you glance and move on - never to take notice; or whether you wonder a moment at who I am and where I'm going; or whether you follow a while, smile and wave or better yet, if you decide to stay for the journey, I invite you to come along for the ride.

Please click on the "Stuff From Before" link to Destiny's Journey to make your comments.