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This blog has been evolved several times since its inception. It started as a platform for a writer's musings Then it became a witne...

Monday, November 12, 2007

It's Here: I'm Here.

I've been reading T.D. Jakes' "Repositioning Yourself" - I just started.

In reading it so far, I've been faced with two areas of thought.

On the one hand, I'm really proud of myself for what I've accomplished and how much I've done.

On the other hand, I am both saddened and energized at the thought of finally overcoming my barriers of fear! If I had been living so boldly at my first revelation of fear - truly bold and not hesitantly bold - how much more would I have accomplished? How much more can I accomplish and when can I once and for all eradicate the fear that is left??

My angst and anxiousness over this fear is like finding a cancerous lump just below the surface of my skin: I can feel it. I know it must come out. I want it out so badly I would cut it out myself if it weren't for the fear of pain or damage to myself.

Which is more palpable? The fear of the cancer of fear? The pain and damage of removing it myself? Or the fear that I will not find someone to do it for me in time - has it already spread; latching on to far too many areas of my life to actually remove it all?

I ask these questions because on the heels of excitement I feel the fear lingering; hovering; like a vulture; waiting for the failure so it can pounce, attack and feed on my moment of weakness.

Here I am.

I am living the life of my plans!!

(1) The settlement and the inheritance are finally about to come to a close. I will be able to pay my bills, pay the house, pay off the last of my debt and save for mine and my families futures.

(2) I am working that flexible, fun, daily "job" and once I begin to meet my monthly minimum, I will be able to cover our basic needs and the current bills, groceries, gas and so forth.

(3) I have received leads and a gig for my company. It is slowly growing and will help provide more for our daily needs as well as assist in the growth of the parent organization.

(4) I am boldly building the organization. Stepping out on faith and pushing it towards the goals that exist for it. I am pushing myself towards the goals I have placed on myself in order to bring this organization truly to a viable, fruit-bearing, fruition.

(5) And by pushing myself to do this I have completed some writing and will complete more and have actually finished the calendar fundraiser - my first published literary work of art.

It is Here.

And it is available now for sale: The 2008 Destination Inspiration "What If" Wall Calendar

So, if it is here, and I am here - both of us exactly where I'd like us to be. And more prayerfully, exactly where the Lord intends for us to be. Which means He has been answering my prayers for Proverbs 16:9 "Man devises his plan, but the Lord directs his steps." Yea, me!

And that is why the fear is hovering like a vulture. "For God has not given the spirit of fear; but of POWER, and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND."

It is the enemy that manufactures my fear and on the tail of my POWER through Christ, he launches a valiant and re-energized attempt to make me think the Lord doesn't love me enough to continue to answer, to bless, to guide me through to the end I foresee and therefore disrupting my peace of mind and effectively undermining and undercutting my power.

Shame, shame. Shame on me. Shame on fear. I must cut you out with a dull butter knife and praise the Lord almighty for the pain and the damage - knowing that it is through His strength that I will prevail!

I am prevailing!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

It's Coming!

Oh, Hallelujah!

Remember me saying I'm gettin' it done, y'all?

Here it is for real - it's coming...

The 2008 Destination Inspiration "What If" Wall Calendar.

It's filled with incredible photography - not stock photos - real pictures taken by friends, family and... me. Like this one taken from the front seat of my mother's car while she was driving my son and me to the Sacramento airport.

And, it's got inspirational, scripture related poetry written by... me.

It will be the debut release from Destination Publications - a Destination Christian Services, Inc. auxiliary company. And it will be the 2007 fundraising item. Last year I made inspirational T-shirts and everyone who donated got one. We raised enough money to distribute blankets and personal care kits to teens at a local faith-based homeless shelter.

This year proceeds from our $20 calendar sales will go towards two things: 1) the implementation of our online academy, and 2) sponsoring 9-15 youth at a Christian youth golf clinic in December. Check back here later to find out more!

If any of you are pray-ers, pray for the implementation of the clinic. Or (shameless plug) order a calendar. They will be available for sale November 2nd... Oh, heck - why am I blogging? I've got more work to do!

(I'm gettin' it done y'all!)

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Fear No Evil

Have we talked about fear?

It permeates like a bad smell you can't find.

You rampage through the garbage of your life - tossing out all that offends.

And the fear, like a bad smell, lingers...

You rampage on a cleaning binge, straightening up all that might be out of sorts.

And the fear, like a bad smell, rises above your efforts.

It hinders you.

It is an obstacle to interpersonal relationships.

It greets you at the door of each new day.

It wakes you in the night, disrupting peace and sleep.

It consumes you.

And it forces you towards one of two choices...

1) Desensitize; ignore and accept or
2) Recognize; eradicate and learn

Everyday I struggle to recognize the fear when it crops up in a new form;
Everyday I struggle to remember to eradicate the fear before it seeps deeper;
Everyday I struggle to learn how the fear began and keep it from coming back;

Everyday I smell the fear: foul, offensive and evil-
And everyday I'll scrub with the bleaching power of the spirit.

With the spirit, I'll fear no evil.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Doin' Thangs

Well, I'm doin' thangs y'all.
Planning, doing, talking, and asking.

I'm gettin' it done y'all.
Pass or fail, front and center, hiding no more.

I'm doin' it, and doin' it and doin' it - well...

I've set dates
I've written letters
I've had meetings
I've typed minutes
I've made plans
I've discussed plans
I've made programs
I've made contacts
I've written documents
I've updated webs

I still will make more contacts
I still will write more letters
I still will publish items
I still will pursue work
I still will pursue programs
I still will make plans
I still will have meetings
I still will follow through
I still will find a way

I'm handlin' biz'ness y'all
Gettin' it done.

Absent Yes; Absence No

So, I told you I was absent: disconnected from the source.

And I told I you I would fear no more and live my life with force.

I told you I had left a gap in communication and time

And how with determination I would finally claim what's mine.

What's mine is not material, but my true and spiritual gift

A choice to be and do and give and mend my inner rift

And so I did connect and re-align myself with life

To concentrate on God and child and work, and being a wife

And the blessings have been coming steady and true

Blessings not material but in accomplishing all I do

So while I've still been absent, my absence is no more

I took my own advice and walked boldly through my door

Of busy hopes and tangible dreams from day to day to day

Just check my next blog, you'll see I've got so much more to say

Friday, August 24, 2007

Absence; The Absence

I've been absent far too long.

From this blog. From my life. From the Source.
From connecting with anyone outside of me.
From connecting with the power of the spirit within me.

So busy.
Too busy connecting with fear.

And again I say, "Fear not."

Yesterday I awoke and determined I was tired. Emotionally and physically tired.
And I felt I had so many things I wanted to do; should do; and needed to do and had no time, nor the energy in which to do anything. And yet, hadn't I been busy doing something?

Then came a deeper dawning of a previous revelation: not only had some of the old fears crept subconsciously back in, but I instantly identified another aspect of my fear. And it suddenly seemed so pointless, useless, and an insult to the God who created me to be and do all the things I want to; should do and need to do.

My life is going to end one day just like everyone else's. And when it does, what will I have to account for before my Lord? And what will my son have to remember me by when I'm gone? He will not know my efforts; my desires or my dreams. He will only know the things I left behind - finished or not.

And so why shouldn't I boldly claim the power the Lord promises to me? Why shouldn't I step madly into the world, open my mouth and profess with out fear of recrimination, reproof or disdain, the purposes so dear to me?

Let them recriminate, reprove or disdain... what? My favor is in the eyes of the Lord.

And that evening a non-believing friend told me I was "glowing." Ha! Go figure! I boldly told him why. And he openly agreed that was probably a good reason for the glow.

And so, now continues the beginning of the daily transformation of what has always been.

I am a 41 year old wife, mother of a 2 year-old son and struggling entrepreneur.
I have two businesses that are barely active; I have two other businesses that are sadly inactive; I am a writer, attempting to become an author and I still manage to come up with at least one new idea or project every single day.

And, I am the President and Founder of a God-gifted vision.

Pray for me that I will soon be able to say - I am connected, confident and fearless too. Absent no more.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Black Butterfly

Today I saw the biggest butterfly I have ever seen. And of course, since I've not really seen a multitude of butterflies in my life, the size ratio of what I have seen compared to this one is extreme.

I can truly say that I have seen average sized butterflies and small butterflies and up until now, I would have said I had seen a large one (or two) as well. And that the larger ones were not necessarily that much larger than most, nor were they particularly more difficult to find than the others.

This gorgeous creature was probably 3 1/2 maybe even 4 inches tall with her wings fairly straight up and the width of her wings was about 3 inches at their widest.

And she had landed before me. And she didn't move. And she was all black with golden yellow markings and a yellow body.

And it was significant to me in an instant.

In the midst of a dirty street, on a not particularly bright and "beautiful" day, surrounded by (of all things) horse droppings - there was beauty. God's big, magnanimous beauty - in quiet, inconsequential peace, waiting to be enjoyed.

And I saw this butterfly as my blessings - my unfulfilled blessings and my yet as unanswered prayers.

She was as big as all my hopes and as extraordinary as all my dreams. And she had no fear. And she was joy and hope and beauty in the midst of all that was dirty and ugly.

And I took her as a sign - a sign I pray is true - I sign I pray I can hold on to...

That today is the beginning of all my biggest blessings come true.

Today is the beginning of all my biggest dreams come to fruition.

Today may have started in a very insignificant manner, and the mundane of today's activities may see the sun set equally as insignificant. But somewhere, somehow I am holding dear that today is the beginning of completion.

Today I saw the biggest butterfly I have ever seen.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I Shall Not Be Moved...

The enemy is fighting back today.

I've been feeling good, motivated and excited. I'm getting ready to publish the first literary works and products for the organization. Wow, a true and exciting accomplishment! And I'm so close, praising God I can see this portion of the dream coming to fruition.

The enemy does not want to see me overcome and walk in His will. He's fighting back today. Sparing like a desperate has-been, trying to take the up-and-coming rookie off guard. He's pulling big punches and hitting below the belt.

  • Product Printing Obstacles
  • Fussy Baby Blues
  • Fighting Unfair Hubby
  • My Mom's Denial Downer
  • Crying Headache Hurting
  • Toddler Tantrum Trouble
  • Self-Doubt Dilemma

Recognize. Press On. Forgive. Move On. Keep on, keeping on. Hold On.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

The Spokesman Formerly Known As...

I did it.

I wrote the letter.

I published the samples.

I compiled the items.

I put them in an envelope.

I found AN address.

I made a label.

I put on postage.

I said a prayer...

And I released that package into the wild, crazy, what-are-you-thinking, unknown realm of potential invisibility; embarrassment or worse; acceptance - that is currently known as: the mailbox.

"Gideon - this is my fleece."

I actually did it.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Destiny's Journey

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Many blessings,

Sunday, June 3, 2007


For the past five years now I have been living on scriptures like air to breathe, water to thrive and a floatation device to survive.

Sustaining me; engaging me; pertaining specifically to me.

Reminding me, denying me, aligning me with hope.

For five years now I've been living on scriptures: like air, like water, like floating...

For GOD has not given the SPIRIT of Fear, but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND. Leaving behind the same old doubts and boughts of uncertainty.

Pushing myself with power, loving my self anew - each and every hour, reminding my mind it's Ok. Everything will be OK.

For five years now I've been living on scriptures: breathing, thriving, surviving...

A [Woman's] heart devises [her] plan: but the LORD directs [her] steps. All bets are off, though I may be off in thinking I'll pull this off, I'm pushing on and on and on to the end.

Make plain my plan, don't stray my steps: adhere, revere, sincerely refraining from fear.

For five years now and hope for five more - No Fear, FEAR NOT. Love me, Love me NOT, strength like a boy scout square knot, I'll NOT give into to the knots within my stomach from fear, FEAR NOT.

For five years now and hope for five more - the plan, the steps, like a staircase up; baby steps, step up, step it up a notch; the goal, the dream, that seems undoable: undone; the way and the plan to final completion.

(II Timothy 1: 7/Proverbs 16:9)

This is a stationary post.

Destiny's Journey

Some journeys are well traveled roads. Common, familiar and easy. We cruise along the path oblivious to the process as we habitually turn each corner, climb each hill and break each slope. Only to arrive, blink and wonder how we managed without incident or memory of the trip.

This journey - my journey - is not like that. This journey is one of reluctance, hesitance, unsurity, insecurity and yes, a moderate amount of fear.

As I open the window for you to view my progress, you will undoubtedly come to your own conclusion based upon the progress of your own journey - and your observations will be varied.

Some might say that I am making slow but steady progress toward a clear destination. Others may say that I am floundering and wandering aimlessly down a muddy road with too many directions to choose from.

I say my journey has just begun, although it started more than 10 years ago. I say I still have such a long, long way to go, although I am teetering on the precipice of completion. I say the journey has made me weary, leery and weak, although I trudge on with a strength and endurance that is beyond me. I say the path is muddy, with many obstacles, directions and difficulties still yet to come. However, my destination is clear - crazy, unimaginable, overwhelming and clear.

When this path first appeared it was like a hazy, dirt road on a foggy day. I peered at it without knowing what it was or where it was going - then tried to ignore it as inconsequential. When the path persisted I joked as to where it might lead, then still tried to dismiss it as a path not meant for me.

It was years before the view of the path cleared and I was able to see the destination more clearly. It was absurd to think that the reality of where this path could end up would be in a place far more outlandish than even my most absurd imaginings! OK, maybe - just maybe this path ended up in a very good place - but a place still not meant for me. Definitely not me.

Why not me? Who else but me, since I was the only one to see? Please, Dear God, not me! Yes, me. This path was meant for me.

And so I watched it, argued with it, denied it and tried to imagine a life without pursuing it.

Four - no five, has it already been five? Five years ago I accepted it. I stuck out a big toe like testing the cold water of a pool - then yanked my foot back like I so often would. I wrote about it, dreamed about it, and tried it on for size in the privacy of my dressing room of life. And by the way, I still watched it, argued with it, denied it and tried to imagine a life without pursuing it.

Three - sorry, I forgot - Four years ago I made up my mind. I packed my bags, said good bye to the sanity and sanctuary of friends and family who always had thought they understood me, and I took my first hesitant and frightened step.

In these last four years I have walked, sometimes trotted, but never quite run toward a goal I think is crazy. I have stopped, I have even sat down and I have wistfully looked back to a time when I did not know and could not see what was meant for me.

But I will not stop. I packed my bags (all my baggage), and made up my mind. Armed with nothing but 2 scriptures and a great deal of hope, I continue to trudge on driven by the surity that if - just if - I happen to arrive at this awesome, fearsome destination, it will be extraordinary, phenomenal and inconceivably wonderful. This destination...

A destination, a journey to a place that is called destiny. My destiny. Destiny's purpose in life. My God given purpose.

Sometimes while we travel, we see another driver, glance in that direction and never take note or give them another thought. Perhaps that is how you will see me.

Sometimes we see another traveler and something catches our eye. We may watch a moment, muse a moment or even briefly wonder... Then they continue on their own separate way and thoughts of them fade as quickly as they do. Perhaps that will be how you see me.

Other times we get caught in traffic, bunched up with drivers because of fate. And whether we cruise along peacefully or struggle with road rage, we share a community of progress, each with our own destination. Perhaps that will be how you experience me.

And on rare occasion on our own individual roads of life, we travel a path where we encounter another driver - seemingly traveling to the same basic place. At times they follow us and then we follow them. We may take note of who they are and what they drive - possibly even read a licence plate. We'll share a moment or even a long while - silently and separately together, with maybe a glance, a smile or a brief a wave of acknowledgement. Perhaps that will be how you experience me.

I cannot say how long this path will be for me, so whether you glance and move on - never to take notice; or whether you wonder a moment at who I am and where I'm going; or whether you follow a while, smile and wave or better yet, if you decide to stay for the journey, I invite you to come along for the ride.

Please click on the "Stuff From Before" link to Destiny's Journey to make your comments.