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This blog has been evolved several times since its inception. It started as a platform for a writer's musings Then it became a witne...

Sunday, July 10, 2005

The Problem

I was afraid. I was fragile. I was insecure. I was worried.
(The Lord has not given the spirit of FEAR, but of Power and of Love and of a Sound Mind)

I was afraid of the awesome tasks before me. I was afraid of what the world might think of me. I was afraid of condemnation. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of success. Worse - I was afraid of me.

The Lord has not given the spirit of Fear.

I was so fragile and weak. I blew in the direction of every show of support. I tried to please. I tried to appease. I tried with no strength to do, to speak up, to stand up and so I shut up and put up with and followed every direction offered as a show of support.


I was insecure and lacked the confidence of my own convictions. How could I convince others of this great idea when I was so unsure of it? How could I present this idea as memorable and worthwhile when I was too busy asking if it was instead of delivering it as such. Who else would embrace this venture if I was too ashamed to embrace it myself?


I was consumed with worry. What would everyone think? What if I fell flat on my face? What if I convinced everyone of this great idea that turned out not to be so great? What if this wasn't really the will of God? What if I really couldn't do what I really wanted to do? What if I couldn't convince anyone that this was my purpose and a good purpose for them too? Apparently I wasn't, I hadn't, I didn't.


And so I perpetuated my own fears, my own weakness, my own insecurities and my own anxiety.

I was afraid of what my family would think of me and so my family was fearful for me.
I was weak and weary and so the lawyer stepped in and was strong for me.
I was insecure and dependant on my friends and so my friends enabled me out of love.
I was worried about the future of this organization and so all progress stopped.

For One Whole Year.

But GOD has not given the SPIRIT of fear but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND

Now I am no longer afraid, but stepping out on faith - my family is still fearful of my failure.
Now I am strengthened like the wings of eagles - but the lawyer still sees me as weak and fragile.
Now I am assured of my purpose in life - by my friends still struggle to see my worth.
Now I am anxious to get this thing going - "the blessings of the Lord come with ease and peacefulness."

Peace, love and happiness? Yes...

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This is a stationary post.

Destiny's Journey

Some journeys are well traveled roads. Common, familiar and easy. We cruise along the path oblivious to the process as we habitually turn each corner, climb each hill and break each slope. Only to arrive, blink and wonder how we managed without incident or memory of the trip.

This journey - my journey - is not like that. This journey is one of reluctance, hesitance, unsurity, insecurity and yes, a moderate amount of fear.

As I open the window for you to view my progress, you will undoubtedly come to your own conclusion based upon the progress of your own journey - and your observations will be varied.

Some might say that I am making slow but steady progress toward a clear destination. Others may say that I am floundering and wandering aimlessly down a muddy road with too many directions to choose from.

I say my journey has just begun, although it started more than 10 years ago. I say I still have such a long, long way to go, although I am teetering on the precipice of completion. I say the journey has made me weary, leery and weak, although I trudge on with a strength and endurance that is beyond me. I say the path is muddy, with many obstacles, directions and difficulties still yet to come. However, my destination is clear - crazy, unimaginable, overwhelming and clear.

When this path first appeared it was like a hazy, dirt road on a foggy day. I peered at it without knowing what it was or where it was going - then tried to ignore it as inconsequential. When the path persisted I joked as to where it might lead, then still tried to dismiss it as a path not meant for me.

It was years before the view of the path cleared and I was able to see the destination more clearly. It was absurd to think that the reality of where this path could end up would be in a place far more outlandish than even my most absurd imaginings! OK, maybe - just maybe this path ended up in a very good place - but a place still not meant for me. Definitely not me.

Why not me? Who else but me, since I was the only one to see? Please, Dear God, not me! Yes, me. This path was meant for me.

And so I watched it, argued with it, denied it and tried to imagine a life without pursuing it.

Four - no five, has it already been five? Five years ago I accepted it. I stuck out a big toe like testing the cold water of a pool - then yanked my foot back like I so often would. I wrote about it, dreamed about it, and tried it on for size in the privacy of my dressing room of life. And by the way, I still watched it, argued with it, denied it and tried to imagine a life without pursuing it.

Three - sorry, I forgot - Four years ago I made up my mind. I packed my bags, said good bye to the sanity and sanctuary of friends and family who always had thought they understood me, and I took my first hesitant and frightened step.

In these last four years I have walked, sometimes trotted, but never quite run toward a goal I think is crazy. I have stopped, I have even sat down and I have wistfully looked back to a time when I did not know and could not see what was meant for me.

But I will not stop. I packed my bags (all my baggage), and made up my mind. Armed with nothing but 2 scriptures and a great deal of hope, I continue to trudge on driven by the surity that if - just if - I happen to arrive at this awesome, fearsome destination, it will be extraordinary, phenomenal and inconceivably wonderful. This destination...

A destination, a journey to a place that is called destiny. My destiny. Destiny's purpose in life. My God given purpose.

Sometimes while we travel, we see another driver, glance in that direction and never take note or give them another thought. Perhaps that is how you will see me.

Sometimes we see another traveler and something catches our eye. We may watch a moment, muse a moment or even briefly wonder... Then they continue on their own separate way and thoughts of them fade as quickly as they do. Perhaps that will be how you see me.

Other times we get caught in traffic, bunched up with drivers because of fate. And whether we cruise along peacefully or struggle with road rage, we share a community of progress, each with our own destination. Perhaps that will be how you experience me.

And on rare occasion on our own individual roads of life, we travel a path where we encounter another driver - seemingly traveling to the same basic place. At times they follow us and then we follow them. We may take note of who they are and what they drive - possibly even read a licence plate. We'll share a moment or even a long while - silently and separately together, with maybe a glance, a smile or a brief a wave of acknowledgement. Perhaps that will be how you experience me.

I cannot say how long this path will be for me, so whether you glance and move on - never to take notice; or whether you wonder a moment at who I am and where I'm going; or whether you follow a while, smile and wave or better yet, if you decide to stay for the journey, I invite you to come along for the ride.

Please click on the "Stuff From Before" link to Destiny's Journey to make your comments.