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This blog has been evolved several times since its inception. It started as a platform for a writer's musings Then it became a witne...

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Black Butterfly

Today I saw the biggest butterfly I have ever seen. And of course, since I've not really seen a multitude of butterflies in my life, the size ratio of what I have seen compared to this one is extreme.

I can truly say that I have seen average sized butterflies and small butterflies and up until now, I would have said I had seen a large one (or two) as well. And that the larger ones were not necessarily that much larger than most, nor were they particularly more difficult to find than the others.

This gorgeous creature was probably 3 1/2 maybe even 4 inches tall with her wings fairly straight up and the width of her wings was about 3 inches at their widest.

And she had landed before me. And she didn't move. And she was all black with golden yellow markings and a yellow body.

And it was significant to me in an instant.

In the midst of a dirty street, on a not particularly bright and "beautiful" day, surrounded by (of all things) horse droppings - there was beauty. God's big, magnanimous beauty - in quiet, inconsequential peace, waiting to be enjoyed.

And I saw this butterfly as my blessings - my unfulfilled blessings and my yet as unanswered prayers.

She was as big as all my hopes and as extraordinary as all my dreams. And she had no fear. And she was joy and hope and beauty in the midst of all that was dirty and ugly.

And I took her as a sign - a sign I pray is true - I sign I pray I can hold on to...

That today is the beginning of all my biggest blessings come true.

Today is the beginning of all my biggest dreams come to fruition.

Today may have started in a very insignificant manner, and the mundane of today's activities may see the sun set equally as insignificant. But somewhere, somehow I am holding dear that today is the beginning of completion.

Today I saw the biggest butterfly I have ever seen.


Annie said...

I tried to comment on your last "domestic divas" entry although realized, after all that typing, it doesn't allow anyone but team members to comment - THEREFORE - I will paste it here...

You would be surprised how incredibly common these feelings are and how often I ask these same questions – like earlier this evening when I realized Nate hadn’t made eye contact with me in several days. It is like a routine of aloof chill that we fall into every couple months. I usually breakdown every now and then to point out things I do… Like, “Don’t you notice that I color coordinate your closet of fresh smelling laundry on hangers spaced exactly 1 inch apart so it looks orderly and aides you in the morning outfit selection process so you have more time to gripe at me about what I failed at prior to methodically kissing me goodbye while your eyes are furiously scanning the room for your keys?”

How do you like that for a run-on sentence??

You two need to pawn off the toddler for a couple days and go out of town. Nathan and I always have a “come to jesus” moment when we can get away from our daily life and take a look at “us” void of routine. I’ve noticed that, although children are most important, your relationship needs to come first as it has provided the basis of which everything was built and will continue to grow. You will notice that a harmonious romantic life yields more than dirty sheets and your glowing cheeks – it calms everyone down around you. At this point, your toddler may act out simply to make you react. Your exhaustion = weakness in their little eyes, dilated by cheerios and the occasional piece of carpet lint they might have stuck in their mouth when you werent looking.

Heck, I usually don’t know what I’m talking about although I know my own patterns and weaknesses that have hindered progress in the past.

Learn from your past but never use it to define yourself. I too feel like I work hard and passionately on a whole lot of nothing, although I sincerely believe that one day all that experience I have piecing together ideas that never “finish” or flourish, will arm me with something divine.

Sometimes, I honestly believe that the humility it has given me might be my biggest success.

You write with this humility and honesty which, if nothing else, made me feel a little more "normal" today for whatever that is worth. Keep up the good work.

- Annie

The Country Craft Angel said...

Ditto Annie

Lovely words.

So glad you joined this site.
I think you will feel comfortable here with the purplecoo people and will be able to share your feelings with some kind compassionate, intelligent like minded folks.

warm wishes

This is a stationary post.

Destiny's Journey

Some journeys are well traveled roads. Common, familiar and easy. We cruise along the path oblivious to the process as we habitually turn each corner, climb each hill and break each slope. Only to arrive, blink and wonder how we managed without incident or memory of the trip.

This journey - my journey - is not like that. This journey is one of reluctance, hesitance, unsurity, insecurity and yes, a moderate amount of fear.

As I open the window for you to view my progress, you will undoubtedly come to your own conclusion based upon the progress of your own journey - and your observations will be varied.

Some might say that I am making slow but steady progress toward a clear destination. Others may say that I am floundering and wandering aimlessly down a muddy road with too many directions to choose from.

I say my journey has just begun, although it started more than 10 years ago. I say I still have such a long, long way to go, although I am teetering on the precipice of completion. I say the journey has made me weary, leery and weak, although I trudge on with a strength and endurance that is beyond me. I say the path is muddy, with many obstacles, directions and difficulties still yet to come. However, my destination is clear - crazy, unimaginable, overwhelming and clear.

When this path first appeared it was like a hazy, dirt road on a foggy day. I peered at it without knowing what it was or where it was going - then tried to ignore it as inconsequential. When the path persisted I joked as to where it might lead, then still tried to dismiss it as a path not meant for me.

It was years before the view of the path cleared and I was able to see the destination more clearly. It was absurd to think that the reality of where this path could end up would be in a place far more outlandish than even my most absurd imaginings! OK, maybe - just maybe this path ended up in a very good place - but a place still not meant for me. Definitely not me.

Why not me? Who else but me, since I was the only one to see? Please, Dear God, not me! Yes, me. This path was meant for me.

And so I watched it, argued with it, denied it and tried to imagine a life without pursuing it.

Four - no five, has it already been five? Five years ago I accepted it. I stuck out a big toe like testing the cold water of a pool - then yanked my foot back like I so often would. I wrote about it, dreamed about it, and tried it on for size in the privacy of my dressing room of life. And by the way, I still watched it, argued with it, denied it and tried to imagine a life without pursuing it.

Three - sorry, I forgot - Four years ago I made up my mind. I packed my bags, said good bye to the sanity and sanctuary of friends and family who always had thought they understood me, and I took my first hesitant and frightened step.

In these last four years I have walked, sometimes trotted, but never quite run toward a goal I think is crazy. I have stopped, I have even sat down and I have wistfully looked back to a time when I did not know and could not see what was meant for me.

But I will not stop. I packed my bags (all my baggage), and made up my mind. Armed with nothing but 2 scriptures and a great deal of hope, I continue to trudge on driven by the surity that if - just if - I happen to arrive at this awesome, fearsome destination, it will be extraordinary, phenomenal and inconceivably wonderful. This destination...

A destination, a journey to a place that is called destiny. My destiny. Destiny's purpose in life. My God given purpose.

Sometimes while we travel, we see another driver, glance in that direction and never take note or give them another thought. Perhaps that is how you will see me.

Sometimes we see another traveler and something catches our eye. We may watch a moment, muse a moment or even briefly wonder... Then they continue on their own separate way and thoughts of them fade as quickly as they do. Perhaps that will be how you see me.

Other times we get caught in traffic, bunched up with drivers because of fate. And whether we cruise along peacefully or struggle with road rage, we share a community of progress, each with our own destination. Perhaps that will be how you experience me.

And on rare occasion on our own individual roads of life, we travel a path where we encounter another driver - seemingly traveling to the same basic place. At times they follow us and then we follow them. We may take note of who they are and what they drive - possibly even read a licence plate. We'll share a moment or even a long while - silently and separately together, with maybe a glance, a smile or a brief a wave of acknowledgement. Perhaps that will be how you experience me.

I cannot say how long this path will be for me, so whether you glance and move on - never to take notice; or whether you wonder a moment at who I am and where I'm going; or whether you follow a while, smile and wave or better yet, if you decide to stay for the journey, I invite you to come along for the ride.

Please click on the "Stuff From Before" link to Destiny's Journey to make your comments.