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This blog has been evolved several times since its inception. It started as a platform for a writer's musings Then it became a witne...

Sunday, February 1, 2009


Once I was blue like the color of covered up confidence or lack thereof, dreaming of love with a song and a sigh – not when doves, but when young girls cry. I didn’t know why I was longing and aching, making up dreams and faking life at the seams; a facade of me and pretend identity, confidence un-true, like that deep indigo blue is just a weak purple wannabe. I was striving to be like a royal purple princess – you know the rest, trying to be different like everyone else. Instead plain and simple, I was just regular blue, sad and true.

Confessions of change… Color Change… the range of me.
Forget faking the funk that junk was getting old. And so I replaced -confidence not drawn but traced, with red like the color bold. Oh, my red was like a deep “come hither”, strong enough to make any man wither. My red was sassy or so I was told and to me that was confidence as good as gold. This was the life, I figured I had it made, I was in charge – everyone else had to meet my grade. Sharp and quick and a cutting wit, I was the snake - don’t get bit. Drip. When suddenly I quit. Dripped red like blood, straight from the cross - this life of bold, now old, no loss.

Confessions of change… Color change… the range of me.
Black: thick, not empty but full of lack – confidence and esteem, joy and the ability to dream. Like a ship with no one at its helm I was tossed by the storm and overwhelmed. Little and belittled, abused, not amused, mistreated and misused - never could I admit, with a ring and “I do” that that this was the black that I did choose. I found deaths’ sting within that ring, so I escaped the black and never looked back. I made easier living by forgiving the “x”, but shame changed to blame that I gave to God. There ain’t nothing blacker than that, right? Go ahead you all can nod.

Confessions of change… color change the range of me…
My color is new again after that long black night – now it is purple, bet you though it was white. No – that was after black days turned to grays like the haze of imperfection and an empty gaze. Not even new rays of the only begotten one could warm my heart once the gray had begun – blanching, and bleaching and blank like white - loving myself was too much like right. Self-forgiveness so hesitant and what tried to be confident, now like white, the color non-existent.

Confessions of change… color change the range of me…
Now here’s a little mix you may not know – excuse me for a moment if it messes my flow. But blue (like confidence un-true) added to red (the bold replacing confidence instead) makes purple you see, the purple that now is me. Add black (just a little is all you get) and if it doesn’t overwhelm you’ll get violet. Now add a touch of white and comes back the color purple, just like my life confidence has come full circle. Each color alone I might like to forget, but to do so would mean I would only reject – the portrait so skillfully painted and meant - to be. God had to mix all the colors you see to make this glory, royal beauty, God’s truly confident me.

I am a child of God – my father has given me a coat of many colors – the colors of confidence and love without hindrance. I am a child of God!

© 2008 Deidre Campbell-Jones

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This is a stationary post.

Destiny's Journey

Some journeys are well traveled roads. Common, familiar and easy. We cruise along the path oblivious to the process as we habitually turn each corner, climb each hill and break each slope. Only to arrive, blink and wonder how we managed without incident or memory of the trip.

This journey - my journey - is not like that. This journey is one of reluctance, hesitance, unsurity, insecurity and yes, a moderate amount of fear.

As I open the window for you to view my progress, you will undoubtedly come to your own conclusion based upon the progress of your own journey - and your observations will be varied.

Some might say that I am making slow but steady progress toward a clear destination. Others may say that I am floundering and wandering aimlessly down a muddy road with too many directions to choose from.

I say my journey has just begun, although it started more than 10 years ago. I say I still have such a long, long way to go, although I am teetering on the precipice of completion. I say the journey has made me weary, leery and weak, although I trudge on with a strength and endurance that is beyond me. I say the path is muddy, with many obstacles, directions and difficulties still yet to come. However, my destination is clear - crazy, unimaginable, overwhelming and clear.

When this path first appeared it was like a hazy, dirt road on a foggy day. I peered at it without knowing what it was or where it was going - then tried to ignore it as inconsequential. When the path persisted I joked as to where it might lead, then still tried to dismiss it as a path not meant for me.

It was years before the view of the path cleared and I was able to see the destination more clearly. It was absurd to think that the reality of where this path could end up would be in a place far more outlandish than even my most absurd imaginings! OK, maybe - just maybe this path ended up in a very good place - but a place still not meant for me. Definitely not me.

Why not me? Who else but me, since I was the only one to see? Please, Dear God, not me! Yes, me. This path was meant for me.

And so I watched it, argued with it, denied it and tried to imagine a life without pursuing it.

Four - no five, has it already been five? Five years ago I accepted it. I stuck out a big toe like testing the cold water of a pool - then yanked my foot back like I so often would. I wrote about it, dreamed about it, and tried it on for size in the privacy of my dressing room of life. And by the way, I still watched it, argued with it, denied it and tried to imagine a life without pursuing it.

Three - sorry, I forgot - Four years ago I made up my mind. I packed my bags, said good bye to the sanity and sanctuary of friends and family who always had thought they understood me, and I took my first hesitant and frightened step.

In these last four years I have walked, sometimes trotted, but never quite run toward a goal I think is crazy. I have stopped, I have even sat down and I have wistfully looked back to a time when I did not know and could not see what was meant for me.

But I will not stop. I packed my bags (all my baggage), and made up my mind. Armed with nothing but 2 scriptures and a great deal of hope, I continue to trudge on driven by the surity that if - just if - I happen to arrive at this awesome, fearsome destination, it will be extraordinary, phenomenal and inconceivably wonderful. This destination...

A destination, a journey to a place that is called destiny. My destiny. Destiny's purpose in life. My God given purpose.

Sometimes while we travel, we see another driver, glance in that direction and never take note or give them another thought. Perhaps that is how you will see me.

Sometimes we see another traveler and something catches our eye. We may watch a moment, muse a moment or even briefly wonder... Then they continue on their own separate way and thoughts of them fade as quickly as they do. Perhaps that will be how you see me.

Other times we get caught in traffic, bunched up with drivers because of fate. And whether we cruise along peacefully or struggle with road rage, we share a community of progress, each with our own destination. Perhaps that will be how you experience me.

And on rare occasion on our own individual roads of life, we travel a path where we encounter another driver - seemingly traveling to the same basic place. At times they follow us and then we follow them. We may take note of who they are and what they drive - possibly even read a licence plate. We'll share a moment or even a long while - silently and separately together, with maybe a glance, a smile or a brief a wave of acknowledgement. Perhaps that will be how you experience me.

I cannot say how long this path will be for me, so whether you glance and move on - never to take notice; or whether you wonder a moment at who I am and where I'm going; or whether you follow a while, smile and wave or better yet, if you decide to stay for the journey, I invite you to come along for the ride.

Please click on the "Stuff From Before" link to Destiny's Journey to make your comments.